Dang Thuy Tram’s Dairies

April 13, 1968. Lots of letters from everyone: I thank them because they all send their love to me. Reading the letters I feel both happy and sad. Why do all of those people give me their affection, but one person who has my true and pure love… that person is not worthy of my love. How sad it is, M! I want to take all of their love to fill my empty heart, but I cannot. My heart still stubbornly beats with the speed of youth, filled with hope and love. Well, my heart, please be calm, like the rhythm of the ocean on a windless afternoon.

April 14, 1968. I got a poem composed by a wounded soldier staying in the hospital. It was inspired by love and admiration for the physician who closely took care of him and another patient. He tried to understand me completely in order to write this poem to me, a poem full of honest concern and sorrow for my broken heart. He wrote about the sadness of a girl betrayed by her lover. Reading the poem I was very depressed and was unable to hide my feelings. I wrote under the poem a few lines: “Thank you very much for your care, but it seems that you do not understand me. I promise that sometime I will explain to you a girl of Socialism”, and I gave back his poem.

Oh! Here is the saddest part of my relationship with M*. Everyone complains about M, and they all love me, but how hurt I am that they love me and are sorry for me also. Even Thiet, Hao, Nghinh… and everyone else they all agree with me and share my feelings, but I still don’t want them to. I can make up my own mind. I have strength to bury nine years of hope deep in the ground. The land of my spirit still is fertile and still has strength to be sown for a season of beautiful flowers. All of you! Please don’t water this ground with tears of sorrow: fragrant flowers must be watered with clean, fresh water.

Day by day love for M fades away, but blame grows at the same time. I have already, and I will now stay away from him: he is not worthy of me.

April 15, 1968. The quiet air of noon covers the forest. I heard that San is back, so I went to see him. All in the roomful of people were asleep, including San. I didn’t want to wake him, so I softly turned away, but his groans made me turn back. He had a shy smile for me: he is not hurt but perhaps he wants to see me. All day today I was busy. The conversation wasn’t about his condition. He asked me “Today is the day that you arrived in Duc Pho*, right?”

“One year exactly San” I answered, but I was surprised by his question. I wanted to talk with him about this whole past year, a year filled with hardship and struggle, but also pride in San’s homeland… but I found it difficult to speak. How can all the work I have done compare with that of San and all of those in Duc Pho who have been fighting so hard for 20 years already? If I tell him about missing my family during the time I have been away from home, I will feel even more selfish.

San only has his old mother. She agreed to send her son to the Army. San’s Father died when she was only 22 years old. This young woman had to sacrifice all her youth to take care of San until he was 19 years old, and then had to let him go to the Army. Five years passed and many times San almost lost his life… but seized it back again. Nearly a month ago while planning an attack, he barely escaped the teeth of the enemy. Nearly 15 of his comrades were killed in that short time. San also fell there at the foot of the mountains. During that time his Mother cried her eyes dry, but still couldn’t recover her son. Yet today San came here to me. How can I let the God of Death take a son from a worried old mother? He is her only hope. Never! I will try my best to do everything for San, the same as I do for all of the patients. Is this too much pride for a physician?

Received a letter and gift from Van: I feel sorry for Van. Why is life so hard for her? A person like Van should not have to stand all the hardships: she is very altruistic, full of hope and full of sentiment for the Revolution. Van must be compensated for all of those things… why is her life filled with struggle? I understand that as well so I have a responsibility to make her happy, and to give her faith by my determined actions.

April 17, 1968. Said goodbye to Ky and Phoung. I lived with them for a year now and understand the love of these friendly people.