Dang Thuy Tram’s Dairies

That morning, July 20th, he left, never thinking that he would fall into the pirates’ hands, so he said good-bye to everybody with a funny and happy smile. He held my hand and with a low voice said: “I go, okay Thuy?” He went a short ways and then said: “In about ten or fifteen days at the most I will be back”. My dear Kha, now I like you and care for you more than ever. That simple but true affection I have had since the days I wore the red collar, since I called you “Uncle Kha”. I miss you, miss all those warm days at the small house which had the dark, round eyes of little Kim. Do you think we will see each other again? Your bag is still here: it hurts me very much every time I see it.

August 4, 1968. Every hour of every busy day is still difficult, but I don’t know why I am happy still. Is it because of the smiling but still sad lips of the young student which make me forget my personal thoughts? Is it the song of his heart still beating in spite of the mourning heavy in his thoughts? Is it the voice which reminds me to learn the miracle of a happy spirit? Yes, I will learn and never stop keeping the happy spirit of revolution that all you have taught me with the example of your comrades’ solid struggle.

And I am happy: songs come again after tired, laborious work. I am so happy when I see so many eyes looking at me and understanding me, loving and admiring me: the eyes of the students waiting for me to bring them to a higher understanding, the eyes of patients waiting for me to come to them… that is enough, Thuy. You cannot ask for more that this. Duc Pho gives me all of its devotion, and that is the highest priority.

Hai returned with sad news: Dung died after being captured alive. How sorrowful this is!

The pages of this small notebook continue to fill with blood. But my dear Thuy, continue to note that not enough blood and bones, sweat and tears of our people has flowed for 20 years. In these last days of the life-or-death fighting, every sacrifice is noteworthy. Why? Because during all these years we have fought and struggled, our hope has been like a bright light before us at the end of the road. Today we are almost there, but are still just short of our goal.

August 8, 1968. Not autumn yet, but every morning feels cold. Is it the coolness of the mountains and forests which makes me feel lonely? No Thuy! Don’t lie to yourself. Now you are very sad, a sadness in spite of the affections of so many people. You still cannot hide it. My dear Thuy, what can you say when life has so many sorrows and wicked people? How can you stop that? As there is pure and clean rain water flowing in the river, so there are also at times still waters which stay in close to the rocks. Although the river is beautiful so that we see it and love its beauty, the small still waters hate the river and stay away from it.

My dear M, are you just like the river? You are like the clear, flowing, and beautiful water of the river, yet still there is some water which lies quiet along the riverside. I am a person walking in the forest close by: what do you think about that?

Hopeful promises made public before magicians in ancient legends should not come to my pure and clean mind. M told me to forget those things which affect our trust in each other. No, my dear M, a belief in love after ten years of waiting is not easily broken, but when it is then it will not be easily mended.

So, I don’t know what to say. If you don’t return from this trip what will happen? God! Why do we only bring sadness to each other? Or what I should really say is:” Why does M bring only sadness to the heart of a girl who is burning with love and filled with hope for life?”

August 14, 1968. All the afternoons have been like this one, sunshine very weak coming through the door with the forest trees still and quiet. Will the burning of the fighting not get here? I am quietly listening to a group of students preparing for a test. The students! Why am I filled with affection for these lovely young men? Especially Thuan, one of the class leaders. Thuan is very studious, works hard, and is naturally polite. The main thing that makes me like him is his special strength in the face of sorrow. He has two persons to mourn: I sometimes feel this mourning as he sits there quietly, thinking and sighing, but he faces people and his job with such enthusiasm that few people can understand what has happened to him. I compare Nghia and Thuan. Nghia is (like) my adopted younger brother and I find that he and Thuan have many wonderful things in common. I would like to treat Thuan like a younger brother to warm his lonely and sorry heart… but should I do that, or not? Think carefully first.

August 16, 1968. Say good-by to Khiem, a friend of mine who has perished in this heroic land. My dear Khiem, I swear that I will seek revenge for you until my last breath.