Crusade

Nothing much was said for the rest of that day. We all found places to be quiet and reflect on all that had happened. Sweyn went to sit by Mahnoor’s grave, Edwin and Adela walked among the crosses in the meadow by the trees, and Estrith sat on the rocks high above the river to watch the sun go down.

After a while, I joined her. She had tears in her eyes.

‘I am such a pale shadow of my parents. One was the most remarkable woman I have ever known; the other was England’s greatest hero. I loved them very much and I cherish their memories, but they left me with a terrible burden. I want to be like them, but I can’t be. I have neither my mother’s intellect nor my father’s courage.’

‘You do yourself a disservice. How many people, men or women, could do what you do as a churchwright — maybe a handful in Europe? As for courage, when you heard about Cahors, you didn’t hesitate to rush off to help and accept what was almost certainly a sentence of death.’

‘I just feel unfulfilled. Hereward and Torfida knew what their destiny was and never wavered. I have no idea what mine is, or where to find it.’

‘The same applies to each of us. You have joined a group, all with the same dilemma. We try to help one another. I am a lost soul too. At best, I’m a curiosity — the ageing prince who should have been a boy king of the greatest prize in Christendom.

‘I try to take comfort in one of the things my father always said, which was that, if we strive to do what is right and live our lives as nobly as we can, our destiny will unfold of its own accord. But as for me, I don’t always do what is right and often my actions are not particularly noble.’

She seemed so miserable, tears rolling down her face, and I realized how lonely she must have been, trying to make her way in a man’s world while having to hide her real identity.

‘I’m sure that Hereward and Torfida had their doubts and also made mistakes. And remember, their destiny, although noble, ended in tragedy.’

‘I know, but I wouldn’t mind a tragic end to my life if I had lived it well and had achieved what they achieved.’

The silence settled between us for a few moments. Then she turned to face me, wiped the tears from her face and managed a faint smile.

‘When you came to me with Duke Robert’s proposition, did you think less of me because I answered so openly?’

‘No, not at all… although it was a surprise, because you looked and acted like a nun.’

‘I have broken my vows with men, but I hope you don’t see me as an immoral creature.’

‘I look at you very differently now — as a woman, not as a nun.’

She put her hand out and gently placed it on my face.

‘You are a very kind man, Edgar, and a good listener. Adela has told me how helpful you have been to her and Sweyn. Although what has happened here is so tragic, I have found my family again and I feel better than at any time since Gunnhild died. I don’t want to spoil that.’

I found the new Estrith very attractive and was disappointed that our relationship could never be more intimate than the one we already shared, as close confidants within our family, no matter how much I might wish for it to be otherwise.

She turned away to watch the last moments of the setting sun, which lit her lovely profile with a soft amber glow. She seemed so serene now, a look which confirmed that a platonic friendship was surely the best basis for our relationship.

I couldn’t help voicing the question that was uppermost in my mind.

‘Why did you never marry?’

‘Earl William kept to his word and let Gunnhild and I decide whether we wanted to be married. He dealt with all the suitors as we asked, which always meant sending them away. We both realized when we reached marriageable age that acquiring a husband would almost certainly mean the end of our useful lives, so we vowed never to marry.

‘Gunnhild died a virgin, and I was also chaste when I left Launceston. She was much stronger willed than me; without her influence, I soon succumbed to temptation. There weren’t many men — always young and single — and I made sure that no one would be harmed by the liaison. I am not ashamed of what I am; I’m not so very different from most women — or men, for that matter.’

She smiled again. It was a kind, gentle smile. She knew I desired her, and her smile seemed to acknowledge that, had our circumstances been different, we might have been lovers.

Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but I took comfort in believing that it was true.

At first light the next morning, we began the gruesome task of burying the dead.

Estrith conducted a short service and recited the Twenty-third Psalm:

‘The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside still waters,

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake…’

She ended with the comforting lines:

‘Surely goodness and mercy will follow me

All the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.’

She then added a few words of her own.