Confessions of a GP

Drew was a very good-looking guy. He was in his early twenties with big muscles, perfectly chiselled features, blonde hair, blue eyes and a probably fake but nonetheless healthy-looking tan.

‘I’ve got a painful testicle, Doctor. Wondered if you’d have a look at it.’

I was the only male doctor to have worked at this practice for over a year and my first few days were spent seeing a queue of relieved men worried about their genitalia. Some had been worried about their ‘bits’ for months but had been too embarrassed to expose themselves to one of the female doctors.

So there I was, gently rolling Drew’s testes between my fingers, looking for lumps. It can be a slightly uncomfortable situation for the patient in every sense of the word, so I decided to try to make a bit of small talk to put him at ease.

‘So Drew, what do you do for a living?’

‘I’m a film actor.’

‘I thought you looked familiar. Have you been in anything I might have seen?’

‘That depends, Dr Daniels, I only really do gay porn.’

‘Ah, probably not then, no. You… erm… must have one of those familiar-looking faces I guess. Definitely wouldn’t have seen you in a film. Nothing against porn or anything, except the degradation of women and all that… well, not many women in your films, I should imagine…’

There was now only one person in the room who was uncomfortable and it wasn’t Drew. I really should remember to limit my small talk topics to the weather and city centre parking problems.’

Notes

It is always drummed into us how important it is for us to keep clear, coherent and detailed medical notes. These are apparently real extracts from medical notes. They have been doing the rounds as an e-mail.

1. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-sized thyroid. (Thyroid gland is in the neck!)

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

30. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

31. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

32. Patient was released to out patient department without dressing.

33. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

34. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

35. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Lists

Please don’t bring a list of problems when you see your GP. I understand that you might not get to the surgery very often. Perhaps you have to sweat blood to get an appointment. Maybe you had to plead with your boss for the morning off and then beg our receptionist to squeeze you in. In fact, it is probably so difficult for you to get an appointment with your doctor, you’ve saved up all your niggling health queries that have been building up for the last few months and thought it would be better to get them all sorted out in one visit. Please don’t!