Blindsight

Szpindel grimaced; his idea of a reassuring smile. “Repairs ninety-nine point nine percent of the damage, sure. By the time you get to the last zero-point-one, you’re into diminishing returns. These’re small, commissar. Chances are your own body’ll take care of ’em. If not, we know where they live.”

“The ones in my brain. Could they be causing—”

“Not a chance.” He chewed on his lower lip for a moment. “Course, cancer’s not all that thing did to us.”

“What I saw. Up in the crypt. It had these multijointed arms from a central mass. Big as a person, maybe.”

Szpindel nodded. “Get used to it.”

“The others are seeing these things?”

“I doubt it. Everyone has a different take, like—” his twitching face conveyed Dare I say it? — “Rorschach blots.”

“I was expecting hallucinations in the field,” I admitted, “but up here?”

“TMS effects—” Szpindel snapped his fingers — “they’re sticky, eh? Neurons get kicked into one state, take a while to come unstuck. You never got a TAT? Well-adjusted boy like you?”

“Once or twice,” I said. “Maybe.”

“Same principle.”

“So I’m going to keep seeing this stuff.”

“Party line is they fade over time. Week or two you’re back to normal. But out here, with that thing…” He shrugged. “Too many variables. Not the least of which is, I assume we’ll keep going back until Sarasti says otherwise.”

“But they’re basically magnetic effects.”

“Probably. Although I’m not betting on anything where that fucker’s concerned.”

“Could something else be causing them?” I asked. “Something on this ship?”

“Like what?’

“I don’t know. Leakage in Theseus’ magnetic shielding, maybe.”

“Not normally. Course, we’ve all got little implanted networks in our heads, eh? And you’ve got a whole hemisphere of prosthetics up there, who knows what kind of side-effects those might let you in for. Why? Rorschach not a good enough reason for you?”

I saw them before, I might have said.

And then Szpindel would say Oh, when? Where?

And maybe I’d reply When I was spying on your private life, and any chance of noninvasive observation would be flushed down to the atoms.

“It’s probably nothing. I’ve just been — jumpy lately. Thought I saw something weird in the spinal bundle, back before we landed on Rorschach. Just for a second, you know, and it disappeared as soon as I focused on it.”

“Multijointed arms with a central mass?”

“God no. Just a flicker, really. If it was anything at all, it was probably just Amanda’s rubber ball floating around up there.”

“Probably.” Szpindel seemed almost amused. “Couldn’t hurt to check for leakage in the shielding, though. Just in case. Not like we need something else making us see things, eh?”

I shook my head at remembered nightmares. “How are the others?”

“Gang’s fine, if a bit disappointed. Haven’t seen the Major.” He shrugged. “Maybe she’s avoiding me.”

“It hit her pretty hard.”

“No worse than the rest of us, really. She might not even remember it.”

“How — how could she possibly believe she didn’t even exist?”

Szpindel shook his head. “Didn’t believe it. Knew it. For a fact.”

“But how—”

“Charge gauge on your car, right? Sometimes the contacts corrode. Readout freezes on empty, so you think it’s empty. What else you supposed to think? Not like you can go in and count the electrons.”

“You’re saying the brain’s got some kind of existence gauge?”

“Brain’s got all kinds of gauges. You can know you’re blind even when you’re not; you can know you can see, even when you’re blind. And yeah, you can know you don’t exist even when you do. It’s a long list, commissar. Cotard’s, Anton’s, Damascus Disease. Just for starters.”

He hadn’t said blindsight.

“What was it like?” I asked.

“Like?” Although he knew exactly what I meant.

“Did your arm — move by itself? When it reached for that battery?”

“Oh. Nah. You’re still in control, you just — you get a feeling, is all. A sense of where to reach. One part of the brain playing charades with another, eh?” He gestured at the couch. “Get off. Seen enough of your ugly guts for now. And send up Bates if you can find where she’s hiding. Probably back at Fab building a bigger army.”

The misgivings glinted off him like sunlight. “You have a problem with her,” I said.

He started to deny it, then remembered who he was talking to. “Not personally. Just — human node running mechanical infantry. Electronic reflexes slaved to meat reflexes. You tell me where the weak spot is.”

“Down in Rorschach, I’d have to say all the links are pretty weak.”

“Not talking about Rorschach,” Szpindel said. “We go there. What stops them from coming here?”

“Them.”