Assassin's Quest

They said it would stop on its own, in time. But the one told me that it was likely I would never have other children." Her voice tightened, then thickened. "I know you think it slatternly, the way I am with men. But once you have been forced, it is … different. Ever after. I say to myself, Well, I know that it can happen to me at any time. So this way, at least I decide with whom and when. There will never be children for me, and hence there will never be a permanent man. So why should not I take my pick of what I can have? You made me question that for a time, you know. Until Moonseye. Moonseye proved me right again. And from Moonseye I came to Jhaampe, knowing that I was free to do whatever I must do to assure my own survival. For there will be no man and no children to look after me when I am old." Her voice went brittle and uneven as she said, "Sometimes I think it were better had they Forged me…"

"No. Never say that. Never." I feared to touch her, but she turned suddenly and burrowed her face against me. I put an arm around her and found her trembling. I felt compelled to confess my stupidity. "I did not understand. When you said Burl's soldiers had raped some of the women… I did not know you had suffered that."

"Oh." Her voice was very small. "I had thought you deemed it unimportant. I have heard it said in Farrow that rape bothers only virgins and wives. I thought perhaps you felt that to one such as I, it was no more than my due."

"Starling!" I felt an irrational flash of anger that she could have believed me so heartless. Then I thought back. I had seen the bruises on her face. Why had not I guessed? I had never even spoken to her of how Burl had broken her fingers. I had assumed she had known how that had sickened me, that she knew it was Burl's threat of greater damage to her that had kept me leashed. I had thought that she withdrew friendship from me because of my wolf. What had she believed of my distance?

"I have brought much pain into your life," I confessed. "Do not think I do not know the value of a minstrel's hands. Or that I discount the violation of your body. If you wish to speak of it, I am ready to listen. Sometimes, talking helps."

"Sometimes it does not," she countered. Her grip on me suddenly tightened. "The day you stood before us all, and spoke in detail of what Regal had done to you. I bled for you that day. It did not undo anything that was done to you. No. I do not want to talk about it, or think about it."

I lifted her hand and softly kissed the fingers that had been broken on my account. "I do not confuse what was done to you with who you are," I offered. "When I look at you, I see Starling Birdsong the minstrel."

She nodded her face against me, and I knew it was as I surmised. She and I shared that fear. We would not live as victims.

I said no more than that, but only sat there. It came to me again that even if we found Verity, even if by some miracle his return would shift the tides of war and make us victors, for some the victory would come far too late. Mine had been a long and weary road, but I still dared to believe that at the end of it there might be a life of my own choosing. Starling had not even that. No matter how far inland she might flee, she would never escape the war. I held her closer and felt her pain bleed over into me. After a time, her trembling stilled.

"It's full dark," I said at last. "We had best go back to the camp."

She sighed, but she straightened up. She took my hand. I started to lead her back to camp, but she tugged back on my hand. "Be with me," she said simply. "Just for here and just for now. With gentleness and friendship. To take the … other away. Give me that much of yourself."

I wanted her. I wanted her with a desperation that had nothing to do with love, and even, I believe, little to do with lust. She was warm and alive and it would have been sweet and simple human comfort. If I could have been with her, and somehow arisen from it unchanged in how I thought of myself and what I felt for Molly, I would have done so. But what I felt for Molly was not something that was only for when we were together. I had given Molly that claim to me; I could not rescind it simply because we were apart for a time. I did not think there were words that could make Starling understand that in choosing Molly I was not rejecting her. So instead I said, "Nighteyes comes. He has a rabbit."

Starling stepped close to me. She ran a hand up my chest to the side of my neck. Her fingers traced the line of my jaw and caressed my mouth. "Send him away," she said quietly.

"I could not send him far enough that he would not know everything of what we shared," I told her truthfully.

Her hand on my face was suddenly still. "Everything?" she asked. Her voice was full of dismay.

Everything. He came and sat down beside us. Another rabbit dangled in his jaws.

"We are Wit-bonded. We share everything."