Asexuality: A Brief Introduction

I didn’t want to do pretty much anything I saw. I could not imagine myself in the scenes.

I wasn’t disgusted by it. (Well, most of it, anyway…) I didn’t have a moral objection to it. But I wasn’t all that excited by it, either. Yes, I would sometimes get aroused, but more often than not, I’d become distracted by poor staging or unrealistic activities and lose the arousal before I could really put it to good use. (Yes, I’d get aroused. Arousal is not the same as attraction. I’d get aroused because, well, it’s sex, and some part of my brain knows that sex thoughts should produce an erection because sex thoughts may be followed by sex. Plus, being the owner of one of the sets of equipment shown in the videos, I knew that some of the activities would be pleasant, so a signal would get sent downstairs to prepare it for those sorts of pleasant activities.)

Sometimes I’d pause the videos and look in the background to see what books or movies or games they had on a shelf, or to figure out what city was in the background out the window. Little mysteries like that were often far more entertaining than the repetitive in-out-in-out mechanics in the foreground.

At first, I just thought that I hit a bad batch. Like maybe everything I looked at just wasn’t all that good. There were a few pictures of “cute” girls that were nice to look at, but I didn’t find any “hot” girls that I’d like to have my way with. That’s what porn is supposed to be all about, right? So I went exploring. Surely there was something out there I’d like.

Maybe I’d like blondes.

Maybe I’d like brunettes.

Maybe I’d like black women.

Maybe I’d like Asians.

Maybe I’d like redheads.

Maybe I’d like skinny girls.

Maybe I’d like fat girls.

Maybe I’d like goths.

Maybe I’d like S&M.

Maybe I’d like grannies.

Maybe I’d like nannies.

Maybe I’d like shaved.

Maybe I’d like natural.

Maybe I’d like cheerleaders.

Maybe I’d like lesbians.

Maybe I’d like gay men.

Maybe I’d like two on one.

Maybe I’d like three on one.

Maybe I’d like big breasts.

Maybe I’d like flat chests.

Maybe I’d… Maybe…

Maybe not.

I went through just about every permutation, combination, variation, deviation and perversion that’s on the Internet and virtually none of it appealed to me in any way.[8] The vast majority of it was dull and boring. The more it turned to stereotypical “porno movie with porn stars” (You know, the “Did you order a pizza, ma’am?” variety), the less appealing it became.

That bothered me. I was supposed to like it, right? I mean, I was supposed to have a primal reaction. There were supposed to be urges and all that. Everyone else got all excited by it and talked at length about all the hammering, nailing, screwing, and various other assorted construction-related metaphors that they fantasized about doing with this porn star or that porn star. All I got was a feeling that I’d wasted my time and money.

It wasn’t until I discovered that I was asexual that I realized what was going on. It wasn’t that I just hadn’t found some narrow subniche that would do it for me, it wasn’t that I’m just picky, it’s that nothing would really do it for me, ever. Porn would never trigger the emotional reaction in me that it did in other people. Where other people saw a stream of fantasies and desires, I saw a poorly filmed video of mostly naked people doing things to each other that neither one really seemed to be interested in being a part of.

Now that I know I’m ace, I’ve gone back to look at porn from time to time. I’ve realized that the stuff that I do find interesting is almost always well-lit, well-framed, in-focus, it has a pleasing array of colors and shapes, and the people in the shot generally seem to be willing and engaged. In other words, it seems to be far more important to me that the picture be a good photograph in general, rather than necessarily be erotic or revealing or whatever.

So, in conclusion, what I guess I’m really trying to say here is: If you happen to make homemade porn videos, buy a bright light and a tripod and smile once in a while. Seriously.

Love

I’ve been in love before.

She invaded my dreams. She monopolized my thoughts. I’d talk to her for hours every day. I’d smile whenever I saw anything that reminded me of her. I’d laugh about something she said days after she said it.

I wanted to spend every moment with her. I wanted to share my life with her. There were no secrets.

I saw her face when I closed my eyes, I felt her touch after she was gone, I smelled her hair on the breeze, I heard her voice in the silence.

She was everything to me.

I just wasn’t all that interested in sleeping with her.

Forward Advances

I was watching a TV show today when a familiar scene came on. There was a woman who was interested in a male character, and in order to make her intentions clear, she physically forces herself on him as he sits in a chair. Usually, this scene leads to one of the following outcomes:

A: Sex