Asexuality: A Brief Introduction

Then again, if you know me, you’re probably not stunned at all. You’re probably thinking something along the lines of “Really? That’s it? You’re just now figuring this out? What took you so long? I knew that YEARS ago…” I mean, nothing changes at all. I’m still me, just like I was last week or last year. All this means is that I have a name for how I feel.

So anyway, there you have it. If you think that I’m just making it up, I’m not. It’s on Wikipedia, therefore it must be true: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

To my parents: Sorry that you’re finding out about all of this in this impersonal way, but come on, you already knew. I’m in my thirties, I’ve only had one girlfriend, and I’m clearly more interested in my video game collection than women. What did you think was going on?

To my brother (and sister-in-law): Thanks for giving our parents some grandkids so I don’t have to.

To the ex-girlfriend: Sorry for wasting your time and all that. At least it wasn’t just you.

To my coworkers: Be honest now… There had to have been speculation going on. Probably a betting pool, too. Did anyone win?

Q & Ace

[After my “coming out” post, I wrote up this series of questions and answers in order to further explain asexuality to my friends and family.]

So, wait, what? You’re… Huh? What’s going on again?

I’m asexual. It’s a bit like being straight except I’m not into women.

Oh, so you’re gay?

No. Asexual. I’m not into men or women.

So, you’re a woman trapped in a man’s body?

No, I’m not transgender. I’m quite comfortable with the factory original parts and don’t see any need to replace any components.

Are you missing pieces down below?

Uh, I don’t think so. Let me check…

…

Hang on a sec…

Ah, found it. Nope. All present and accounted for.

So, then, you’re saying down below doesn’t work or something?

Down below works just fine. It’s just I have no desire to interface my down below with anyone else’s down below.

You can clone yourself then?

No, different meaning of the word. Although, I’d have to say that binary fission would be an awesome trick for parties.

Does that mean you like animals or something?

No. No no no. Are you paying attention? Where did you get that from? Just no.

What are you talking about, then?

Asexuality means I don’t experience sexual attraction. That’s it. While other people are on an unending quest to find someone willing to test the repetitive compressive stress tolerance limits of their furniture, I’m on an unending quest to find a complete set of game cartridges for the Nintendo Virtual Boy. I’m simply not interested in having sex, although the customs and practices can be rather intriguing from a scientific or anthropological point of view.

You don’t want sex?

Right.

What, is it against your religion?

No.

Were you abused, then?

No.

Repressed or repulsed or something?

No.

They have a pill for that, you know.

That’s not what the pill is for. The pill is for people who are ready and willing, but not able. I’m perfectly able, just not ready and willing. Saying there’s a pill that’ll fix asexuality is like saying there’s a pill that’ll fix homosexuality. I’m not going to take a pill, feel a stirring in my loins, and suddenly want to sleep with the next woman I see.

What is wrong with you? Sex is AWESOME!

You can keep your sex. Red Alarm is awesome. It’s like a full 3D version of Star Fox and-

You should try it some time. You might like it!

“You do not like them. So you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say!”

I did try it. I didn’t care much for it. I mean, it was okay, I guess, but nothing spectacular. Nothing close to what all of you claim. Kinda boring, actually.

Wait, you had sex? Gotcha! That means you’re not asexual!

I had sex twice. Nine years ago. Call it a youthful indiscretion or whatever. I didn’t know I was ace at the time. I thought I was straight and that sex was what I was supposed to do at some point, and she offered. It seemed like a good idea at the time.