Aloha from Hell

I roll down the window. The cop comes up on me sticking close to the car. Smart. If he came in wide, I could reach for a weapon and shoot before he had a chance to get his gun out. Sidling up like he is, I’d have to turn around in my seat to get a shot off and he’d put six slugs in the back of my head before I could say, “Ouch.”

The cop has his flashlight out, held in an underhand grip so he can swing it like a club. He shines the light in my face then lowers it a few inches, leaving me temporarily night-blind.

“Evening, sir. Did you know that your left taillight is out?”

“No, I didn’t. Thank you. I’ll get it fixed first thing tomorrow.”

He’s unmoved by my diplomacy.

“May I see your license and registration, please?”

“This isn’t my car.”

“Whose is it?”

“A friend’s. He’s a priest.”

“Is he? May I see your license, then?”

Here it comes.

“I don’t have a license.”

The light goes back into my eyes. I turn my head this time so I won’t go blind. When I look back, the cop has backed away a little from the car. He’s lowered the flashlight and his other hand is resting lightly on the grip of his gun.

“Have you been drinking tonight, sir?”

“Nope.”

“Please step out of the vehicle.”

“I told you already. I don’t have a license. None. No bank account. No credit cards. No insurance. No library card. No magazine subscriptions. I’m legally dead, so technically I don’t need a goddamn license.”

His hands close on the pistol grip. His breathing and heart rate are rising, but his mind is calm and focused. I can’t read it, but I can get a feel, and he’s all concentration. The young cop could do worse than learning from this guy, but I don’t have time to compliment either of them on their keen professionalism.

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

He says it with a lot more gusto this time.

I say, “Listen, man.” But that’s all I get out. The cop goes flying over the hood of my car and into the weeds on the other side.

I get out. Josef is there with his perfectly coiffed Nazi hair.

“Why are you wasting time with these people? Kill them and go on,” he says.

“I wasn’t going to kill them. I was going to knock their heads and lock them in the trunk of their car.”

“You enjoyed killing Kissi so much before, but when you had nowhere else to go, you asked us for our help. Now we’re on the same side and you won’t kill a couple of humans who would happily shoot you.”

I flick the burning Malediction butt at him. He looks more surprised at that than he did when I cut off his head.

“You and your whole race were off floating around in the universe like dust. You wanted my deal. And I killed Kissi before because you’re unreasonable psycho fucks and you were on Mason’s side.”

I look over at the cop lying in the weeds.

“These guys I could have handled without anyone having t thone havo go to the emergency room.”

Which reminds me.

A door opens and slams. The rookie cop is out of the patrol car, his gun cocked and ready. Josef heads right for him.

“Stop where you are!” the rookie shouts. “Stop or I’ll shoot!”

Josef is almost on him.

“Stop!”

The rookie fires twice. Exit wounds punch fist-size holes out of the back of Josef’s designer shirt, but he never stops moving. I can hear the rookie’s neck snap from all the way over here. I go over to the curb to check on the older cop. He’s unconscious, but his heart is beating.

“Get away from him and do what you came here to do!” shouts Josef.

He heads for me, but he’s been shot and he’s a little slow. I get to him first. Squeezing his throat with one hand and his balls with the other, I flip him up and over the front of the cop car. He rolls and smashes the windshield. Before he can scramble off, I grab his ankle and spin, tossing him into the back of the Metro. He bounces off it and takes a swing at me, but he’s off balance. I slip his blow and punch him in the throat. He falls to his knees.

“Don’t ever just walk in and take over a situation I have in hand. Understand?”

He nods, trying to remind his throat how to breathe.

“And don’t tell me how to do what I do. I invited you here, but it’s still my tea party. It might not look like it to you sometimes, but I know what I’m doing. Got it?”

Josef nods. Resting his elbows on the Metro, he pulls himself to his feet. He’s still unsteady, so I lean him back against the car, playing concerned dad now that the kid’s been put in his place. The truth is I don’t know what I’m doing two-thirds of the time, but I’d never admit that to a Kissi. What I need to do is calm Hermann Göring down.

I say, “You’re going to get to do a lot more killing soon. And against a lot more fun and interesting opponents than these two. When it’s over, you’ll have Hell and your own kingdom again. That is if you don’t get trigger-happy and Fuck. Up. Everything. Do you know where Eleusis is?”

Josef nods.

“When I get Downtown that’s where I’m heading. Wait for my signal there. Got it?”

“Yes,” he says. If his eyes could walk out of his head, they’d march over here and strangle me with my own intestines.