Aloha from Hell

“How is it she went Upstairs instead of down here? I thought suicide was a sure ticket on the coal cart.”

“Usually, but under extreme circumstances the rules can become flexible. Especially for me.”

Thanks, you pointy-tailed lunatic. Thanks a lot.

“Now it’s my turn to say something I’ve been avoiding,” says Alice. “You asked me before if we got together because the Inquisition wanted me to spy on you. The answer is yes. And that’s why I came to you.”

“That’s what I thought. But it’s old news. I don’t care anymore.”

She puts her hands over her mouth. There’s a moment of silence.

“Medea Bava told me about how dangerous you were and how you were going to expose the Sub Rosa to the whole civilian world and get us killed. I was afraid for my family.”

“Makes sense.”

She blinks. Half smiles.

“When I got to know you I knew Medea was half right. You were dangerous and I liked it. By then I didn’t care about the rest.”

“It’s okay. I believe you.”

“Really?”

I nod.

“That’s why it’s okay. Whatever Bava says we were to each other we know different and that’s all that matters.”

“Thank you.”

“Hell. Thank Medea for getting us together. I owe the old witch a candygram.”

She looks at Samael.

“You’ll look after him, right?”

“For you, dear, of course.”

“That’s sweet, Sam,” I say. “You’re getting as sentimental as the angel.”

He gives me a look that’s a lot more like the Infernal prince than I’ll ever be.

“Because I am an angel. And you’re the Scarecrow. A charming fellow. Now, if you only had a brain.”

“I wonder if they still get cable down here? I’m going to have to check that.”

Samael looks at Alice.

“See? He

I sit in Mason’s desk chair.

“I really have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to do. The angel was the smart one.”

“Try reading a book. There’s a library one floor down. Try reading up on how some of the smarter Greek kings did it.”

“None of them are audiobooks, are they?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“Damn.”

“Good-bye, Jim,” says Alice.

“That’s ‘Lucifer’ to you, girlie.”

She smiles a crooked smile.

“See you around, you devil.”

I blow her a kiss.

They’re gone. And I’m alone in Hell again.

That’s not a bad title for a song. Maybe I’ll look up Hank Williams tomorrow.

They’re gone maybe thirty seconds when someone calls my name from the balcony. I pick up Mason’s black blade and go outside.

It’s Josef. He looks like he went in through a meat grinder and got hit by a truck on the way out.

He whispers in a broken, damaged voice, “You betrayed us.”

“All I did was betray a betrayer, so if you’re here for an apology, you can kiss my ass on the way out.”

“I never betrayed you.”

“Really? The thing with the wanted posters kept bugging me. Jack couldn’t have made it back in time. Mason was still into his war plans, so he wouldn’t have made the posters unless he knew I was going to Eleusis. That’s where you come in. You knew that’s where I was going.”

“What about your so-called friends? The chattering head. Or the disgraced priest. He’s consorted with darker souls than yours.”

“Maybe. What turned it for me was when I called you to Mason’s office. You already knew the layout. You knew Mason had strung up Jack. You’d been in Mason’s office before. It’s where you told him everything I was going to do.”

Josef shuffles away, leaving bloody footprints behind.

I say, “If it makes you feel any better, you didn’t disappoint me. I never trusted you.”

“Then why call us back from the void?”

“Hey, I was improvising most of the time. But you were my ace in the hole. I knew you couldn’t beat Hell or Heaven on your own. But if I couldn’t stop the war, I figured I could put you together with whatever side I decided should win.”

“But instead you murdered us.”

“The only reason you haven’t killed off humanity is that we’re your food, and then where would you be?”

His swollen eyes widen. Kissi are so ugly that it’s usually hard to tell if one’s been hurt or not. But not tonight.

“So genocide is the first order of business for the new Lucifer. What a fine start to your reign.”

“It’s not genocide. You’re left.”

Josef climbs onto the balcony railing.

“This isn’t over. If I have to come for you alone, I will.”

“No you won’t.”

I throw my knife. It goes into Josef’s throat and out through his spine. He falls backward off the balcony.

And I was this close to letting him go because I did kind of fuck him over and he was so beat up and pathetic I felt sorry for him. But I let my guard down with Jack and he stole my face. I trusted Mason and he dragged me to Hell. Even Lucifer used me so he could go home. As of today, this is an official zero slack zone for the true monsters.

I wander back to a window and look out over my weird Convergence kingdom. It isn’t Hell and it isn’t L.A., but I’ve been to Fresno, so I’ve seen worse. I take the Singularity from my pocket and watch the black and white pinheads spin around each other.