Aloha from Hell

She looks down at my human hand. I turn it over so she can see the back. It’s like she’s trying to read a secret in the lines. But the hand is so scarred I doubt she’ll find anything familiar about it.

“Whoever you are, you really need to do something about those cuticles,” she says.

“All the beauty parlors down here are closed or on fire.”

She gets up and looks down at me.

“Say something only Jim would say.”

“Oh shit.”

“Nice start. Keep going.”

I try to think, but my brain is freezer-burned.

“Vidocq has our old apartment. He uses a potion that makes it invisible and makes everyone else forget it’s there so he doesn’t have to pay rent. He lives there with a nice girl who’s a hoodoo doctor but originally worked in my video store. Oh yeah. I own a video store. Remember Kasabian? The store used to belong to him, but I cut off his head, so now the store’s mine. Kasabian’s head is my roommate. He steals my cigarettes and drinks my beer. We usually live over the store, but it’s being fixed up, so now we’re in a hotel. I finally met my real father. He was an archangel, but now he’s dead. I really missed you.”

She crosses her arms. Nods at me.

“What happened to your face?”

“I had to get rid of it to get here and this one was available.”

“Put it back on. I want to see the real you.”

I look at the floor, smiling.

“Of course you do. But it’s not here.”

“Where is it?”

“Jack the Ripper stole it.”

She takes a deep breath and lets it out. I’m never going to get used to seeing the dead breathe. Or mimic the memory of breathing. I don’t know which it is.

“I almost believe you. Say something else.”

“For almost a year I’ve had the strangest dreams about you. I kno12"t you. w some were just plain old dreams, but others were different. It’s like you were really talking to me.”

She grunts faintly.

“I had dreams about you, too. Some were like you said. Just dreams. But I think a few were something more. Like we were talking to each other. I saw another girl in one of them. She had an accent.”

“That’s Brigitte. She’s Czech. And a zombie hunter. You’d like her.”

“Sounds fun. Is she your girlfriend?”

I shake my head.

“I almost got her turned into the undead, so it didn’t really work out. But I started seeing someone recently. You’d like her, too. She’s a Lurker, and when she gets mad she eats people.”

Alice gives a little laugh.

“They make me sound so boring.”

“That’s the last thing you were.”

She sits on the table and leans in close, like a scientist examining a new kind of bug.

“We need to find your real face because, seriously, human or not, no girl is going to stick her tongue in that thing.” She sits up. “And for the record, I missed you, too.”

She reaches out to touch my Hellion cheek but her hand goes right through me.

“Damn I was afraid of that,” she says.

“What the fuck just happened?”

She stares at her hand.

“It happens with everything down here. I guess since I was in Heaven, Hell things can’t touch me.”

“How did you get dragged down into this cell?”

“It was that crazy angel, Aelita. She had some interesting things to say about you. She said you aren’t human.”

And Medea Bava said some things about you.

“I’m humanish. I’ll tell you about it later.”

“What happened to you all those years ago? Where were you? I know it had something to do with Mason. He’s been behind every lousy thing that’s happened to us.”

“Like Parker.” Mason’s Sub Rosa attack dog who="ltack do murdered her.

“Parker.” She nods. “Whatever happened to him?”

“I killed him.”

Alice looks at me and turns away. She’s not sure if I’m kidding or not. I want to ask how Parker did it, but I can’t.

I say, “I know that Mason’s running what’s going on down here. And to answer your question, I spent eleven years right here in Hell.”

She turns halfway back.

“You seem a lot saner than I would be. I’ve only been here a couple of days and I’m starting to lose my mind.”

“You want to know something really funny? I’m the one who sent Mason to Hell in the first place.”

She shakes her head.

“This is officially the worst three-way ever.” She finally looks at me again. “I’m sorry I stabbed you.”

“That’s okay. The nonhuman thing helps me heal fast. Also, I can park in handicapped spaces.”

“So, are you going to rescue me or what? Aelita is going to drag me off to Mason soon.”

“That doesn’t make sense. Our deal was I had three days. And Mason is still waiting for soldiers and arguing strategy.”

“Whatever he’s doing, Aelita made it sound like I’m part of it, so I’d really like to not be here.” Her eyes narrow and she looks out the cell door. “How did you get by all the guards?”

“There were only two.”

Her eyebrows go up a fraction of an inch.

“There are a hell of a lot more than two.”

Shit.

I let the angel loose and my senses expand across the floor. The entire ward beyond the hall is filled with Hellion guards. The fuckers were hiding in the locked cells.

“Why don’t they attack?”

“They’re probably waiting for Aelita. She seems to be the one in charge around here.”