Aliss at the Fire

There you are, Signe says

and he turns to her and she sees that the darkness is also in his eyes

I guess I am, yes, Asle says

There’s not much to look at out there, Signe says

No nothing, Asle says

and he smiles at her

No just darkness, Signe says

Just darkness yes, Asle says

Then what are you looking at, Signe says

I don’t know what I’m looking at, Asle says

But you’re standing there in front of the window, Signe says

I am, Asle says

But you’re not looking at anything, Signe says

No, Asle says

But why are you standing there then, Signe says

Yes I mean, she says

Yes are you thinking about something, she says

I’m not thinking about anything, Asle says

But what are you looking at, Signe says

I’m not looking at anything, Asle says

You don’t know, Signe says

No, Asle says

You’re just standing there, Signe says

Yes I’m just standing here, Asle says

Yes you are, Signe says

Does it bother you, Asle says

It’s not that, Signe says

But why are you asking, Asle says

I was just asking, Signe says

Yes, Asle says

I didn’t mean anything by it, I was just asking, Signe says

Yes, Asle says

I’m just standing here, yes, he says

A lot of times when someone says something they don’t really mean anything by it, probably, he says

Probably almost never, he says

They just say something, just to say something, that’s true, Signe says

That’s what it’s like, yes, Asle says

They have to say something, Signe says

They have to, Asle says

That’s how it is, he says

and she sees him stand there and sort of not entirely know what to do with himself and then he raises one hand and lowers it again and then he raises his other hand, holds it halfway in front of him, and then raises the first hand again

What are you thinking about, Signe says

No nothing special, Asle says

No, Signe says

I guess I, Asle says

Yes I, he says

and he stands there and he looks at her

I, he says

I, I, yes well, I’ll just, he says

You, Signe says

Yes, Asle says

You’ll, Signe says

I, Asle says

I guess I’ll go out onto the fjord for a while, he says

Today too, Signe says

I think so, Asle says

and he turns back to the window and again she sees him stand there and be almost impossible to separate from the darkness outside and again she sees his black hair in front of the window and she sees his sweater become one with the darkness outside

Today too, Signe says

and he doesn’t answer and today he’ll row out onto the fjord again, she thinks, but the wind is really blowing, and it probably won’t be long before it starts to rain, but does he care about that, whatever the weather is he goes out in his little boat, a small rowboat, a wooden boat, she thinks, and what’s so nice about rowing out on the fjord in a little boat like that? it must be freezing cold, and the fjord just there, with its water, its waves, maybe there might be something nice about it in the summer, rowing out on the fjord when the fjord is sparkling blue, when it glitters all blue, then maybe it’s tempting, when the sun is shining on the fjord and the water is calm and everything is blue upon blue, but now, in darkest autumn, when the fjord is gray and black and colorless and it’s cold and the waves are high and rough, not to mention in winter when there’s snow and ice on the seats of the boat and you have to kick at the rigging to get it loose, get it free of the ice, if you want to free the boat from its moorings, and when snow-covered ice floes are floating on the fjord, why then? what’s the appeal of the fjord then? no she just doesn’t understand it, she thinks, to put it bluntly, she thinks, she doesn’t get it at all, it is a total mystery to her, and if it was only every now and then that he went out onto the fjord, to fish maybe, to set out nets or something, but no, every single day he rows out onto the fjord, sometimes twice a day, in the dark, in the rain, in rough water, every month of the year, does he not want to be with her? is that why he always wants to go out onto the fjord? she thinks, what other reason could there be really? and hasn’t he changed recently, he is so rarely happy now, almost never, and he is so shy, he really is, he doesn’t want to see people and he turns away if anyone does come and if it ever happens that he does have to talk to someone he stands there and doesn’t know what to do with his hands, doesn’t know what to say, he stands there and feels sick with embarrassment, everybody can see it, she thinks, and what is the matter with him? she thinks, he was always a little like that, a little withdrawn, a little as if he thought of himself as always being a lot of trouble for other people, as upsetting other people just by being there, as a nuisance, an obstacle to what this or that other person wanted, as if he didn’t understand, and it’s getting worse and worse, before he could at least be around other people but now not anymore, now he goes off to be by himself the second anyone other than her appears

You’re going out onto the fjord, that’s what you’re thinking, Signe says

I’m not thinking anything, Asle says