Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

Agatha shook her head. Even though Gil seemed to hate Tarvek so much, he wouldn’t just let him die…would he? “Gil—you’ve got to take him back to the hospital. I…I don’t think I can stand losing any more friends.” She laid a hand on his uninjured shoulder. “Please.”

Gil clenched his jaw. “He is not going to die.” He swung around to von Zinzer and Violetta. “Have either of you ever assisted in a Si Vales Valeo system-transferal procedure?”

The two stared back at him blankly. “I’m a mechanic,” von Zinzer said. “If he was a clank, I could maybe change his oil…”

Violetta gently shoved him aside. “Never heard of it, but we can follow instructions if you tell us what to do.”

“Wait.” Everyone looked at Agatha. “I’ve heard of that…” She thought furiously. “Si Vales Valeo…” Her eyes went wide. “That’s that horrible reanimation process from Krakow! That kills people!”

Gil waved his hand dismissively. “Only if you do it wrong.”

“But at the very least, you’ll get whatever this is that Tarvek’s got.”

Gil shrugged. “Quite probably, but I wouldn’t worry about it.”

Agatha stared at him, sure in the knowledge that somebody should worry about it.

Gil continued. “My father figures that a ruler should be hard to kill. So whenever a new disease is found, we’re inoculated against it or simply infected with it. Same with building up a resistance to poisons. I’m probably proof against almost anything.”

Agatha was dubious. “That…seems a bit risky.”

Gil smirked. “Most people just know my father as the despotic warlord who rules Europa, but he does have his amusing Sparky quirks. Did you know he really loves waffles?”

“Wait! I see it now!” Tarvek announced, clutching at Agatha’s wrist.

Agatha frowned as she thought. “Don’t try to distract me, either of you. No—we studied this. Doctor Beetle said that even under ideal conditions, most of the people who tried it died, or at least came out of it raving mad.” She paused a moment. “Really mad. Worse than when they started. Gil, you’re talking about trying this on a living person. The systemic feedback could short out your entire nervous system.”

“True, it could…” Gil conceded, “but as long as he stays relatively calm, there shouldn’t be any major problems.”

Tarvek suddenly flung himself upright. “I am the prettiest frog in this entire pond!” he shouted triumphantly. He then rolled off the bench onto the floor with a crash.

Gil shrugged again and bent to lift him back onto the table. “And, of course, I’d hate for it to be boring.”

Once Tarvek was off the floor, Agatha took a sheet and tucked it tightly around him so he wouldn’t fall off again. She spoke as she worked: “And let’s not forget how that sort of thing—even if it works at all—has a good chance of leaving the subject an out-of-control monster that has to be hunted down and shot.”

Gil flung his hands into the air. “Well, there you go!” he shouted. “In that case he’ll be right back to normal!”

“Gil! I’m serious! Even if we wanted to do this, we don’t have any of the right equipment. I’ve already checked. Everything here is useless!”

“Surely not all of it.” Gil waved a hand and indicated the machines scattered throughout the room, the piles of discarded components and shelves and drawers full of tools. “I mean, this was some powerful Spark’s workroom! Look at all this stuff! What about this thing?” He gestured to an intricate copper lattice.

“That one will electrocute him in one of eight amusing ways.” She pointed to another. “That one can transplant his mind into a wide variety of household pets, and that one will drain all of his blood and artistically replace it with molten brass.”

Gil paused, and pointed to a small metal box. “Oh. Well, what about this one? It sort of looks like a toaster.”

Agatha nodded. “It sort of is a toaster.”

Gil waited. “Sort of?”

Agatha sighed. “Oh, yes. It could toast the whole town. Look, Gil, my family…they weren’t nice people.”

Gil stared at it. “How did you figure all this out so quickly?”

“Apparently the Castle moonlights as a set of instruction manuals.”

“You should be more grateful,” the Castle said. “When you’re standing in the body-washing rain simulator trying to decide which knob activates the scrubbing powder dispenser and which the boiling water, I’m sure I will have quite forgotten.”

Gil leaned wearily back against a cabinet and ran a hand through his hair. “Agatha, listen. I…I can see that you really like this toad.” He looked at his boots and waved vaguely at Tarvek.

Agatha blushed. “What? How—I mean—why would you say that?”

Gil gave a humorless snort. “Listen to yourself. You’re a strong Spark, but you’re holding back. You’re so afraid of hurting him, you’ve gone all sloppy and helpless.”

This was just insulting. “How dare you?” Agatha snapped.

“This isn’t like you!” Gil snarled back. “You haven’t even tried!”

Who did he think he was? “What do you know about it? About me? You hardly know me!”