A Pale View of Hills

“Now, Etsuko, that’s no way to talk.” Mrs. Fujiwara looked at me for some moments, then gave a sigh. “But it happens to me too. Like you say, in the mornings, just as you wake, it can catch you unawares. I often wake up thinking I’ll have to hurry and get breakfast ready for them all.”

We fell silent for a moment. Then Mrs. Fujiwara laughed a little.

“You’re very bad, Etsuko,” she said. “See, you’ve got me talking like this now.”

“It’s very foolish of me,” I said. “In any case, Nakamura-San and I, there was never anything between us. I mean, nothing had been decided.”

Mrs. Fujiwara went on looking at me, nodding to some private train of thought. Then across the forecourt a customer stood up, ready to leave.

I watched Mrs. Fujiwara go over to him, a neat young man in shirt-sleeves. They bowed to each other and began chatting cheerfully. The man made some remark as he buttoned his briefcase and Mm Fujiwara laughed heartily. They exchanged bows once more, then he disappeared into the afternoon rush. I was grateful for the opportunity to compose my emotions. When Mrs. Fujiwara came back, I said:

“I’d better be leaving you soon. You’re very busy just now.”

“You just stay there and relax. You’ve only just sat down. I’ll get you some lunch.”

“No, that’s all right.”

“Now, Etsuko, if you don’t eat here, you won’t eat lunch for another hour. You know how important it is for you to eat regularly at this stage.”

“Yes, I suppose so.’

Mrs. Fujiwara looked at me closely for a moment. Then she said: “You’ve everything to look forward to now, Etsuko. What are you so unhappy about?”

“Unhappy? But I’m not unhappy in the least.”

She continued to look at me, and I laughed nervously.

“Once the child comes,” she said, “you’ll be delighted, believe me. And you’ll make a splendid mother, Etsuko.”

“I hope so.”

“Of course you will.”

“Yes.”! looked up and smiled.

Mrs. Fujiwara nodded, then rose to her feet once more.

The inside of Sachiko’s cottage had grown increasingly dark — there was only one lantern in the room — and at first I thought Mariko was staring at a black mark on the wall. She reached out a finger and the shape moved a little. Only then did I realize it was a spider.

“Mariko, leave that alone. That’s not nice.”

She put both hands behind her back, but went on staring at the spider.

“We used to have a cat once,’ she said. “Before we came here. She used to catch spiders.”

“I see. No, leave it alone, Mariko.”

“But it’s not poisonous.”

“No, but leave it alone, it’s dirty.’

“The cat we used to have, she could eat spiders. What would happen if late a spider?’

“I don’t know, Mariko.”

“Would I be sick?”

“I don’t know” I went back to the sewing I had brought with me. Mariko continued to watch the spider. Eventually she said: “1 know why you came here tonight.”

“I came because its not nice for little girls to be on their own.”

“It’s because of the woman, It’s because the woman might come again.”

“Why don’t you show me some more drawings? The ones you showed me )ust now were lovely.”

Mariko did not reply. She moved over to the window and looked out into the darkness.

“Your mother won’t be long now,” I said. “Why don’t you show me some more drawings.”

Mariko continued to look into the darkness. Eventually, she returned to the corner where she had been sitting before the spider had attracted her attention.;

“How did you spend your day today, Mariko?” [asked. “Did you do any drawing?”

“I played with Atsu and Mee-Chan.”

“That’s nice. And where do they live? Are they from the apartments?”

“That’s Atsu” — she pointed to one of the small black kittens beside her — “and that’s Mee-Chan.”

I laughed. “Oh, I see. They’re lovely little kittens, aren’t they? But don’t you ever play with other children? The children from the apartments?”

“I play with Atsu and Mee-Chan.”

“But you should by and make friends with the other children. I’m sure they’re all very nice.”

“They stole Suji-Chan. He was my favourite kitten.”

“They stole him? Oh dear, I wonder why they did that.” Mariko began stroking a kitten. “I’ve lost Suji-Chan now.”

“Perhaps hell turn up soon. I’m sure the children were just playing.”

“They killed him, I’ve lost Suji-Chan now.”

“Oh. I wonder why they did a thing Like that.”

“I threw stones at them. Because they said things.”

“Well, you shouldn’t throw stones, Mariko.’

“They said things. About Mother. I threw stones at them and they took Suji-Chan and wouldn’t give him back.”

“Well, you’ve still got your other kittens.”

Mariko moved across the room towards the window again. She was just tall enough to lean her elbows on the ledge. For a few minutes she looked into the darkness, her face close to the pane.

“1 want to go out now,” she said, suddenly.

“Go out? But it’s far too late, it’s dark outside. And your mother will be back any time now.”

“Hut I want to go out.”

“Stay hem now, Mariko.”

She continued to look outside. I tried to see what was visible to her; from where I sat I could see only darkness.

“Perhaps you should be kinder to the other children. Then you could make friends with them