A Girl's Guide to Vampires

Arielle was directly behind Raphael as he rounded the corner of the tent at a fast walk. My heart did an unpleasant little flip-flop when I spotted him, much like a fish does when it's been yanked from the water. A sudden overwhelming need washed over me, making me want to stand close to him, to smell him, to slide my hands under his shirt and over the planes of his chest. It seemed so very important that I touch him, I actually took two steps toward him before I reminded myself that there were far more important things than my unseemly desires.

What, I couldn't remember, but I felt sure there was something more important.

Tanya turned to Raphael and went off in a flurry of a language I didn't know, pointing at me and no doubt vilifying me, my ancestors, and probably my descendants as well. I caught his eye and gave him a mildly apologetic "What could I do, I was just standing here and she walked up and started the fight, I am truly innocent of all things" smile. He quirked a brow, his eyes turning hot and seductive and mesmerizing, and once again I felt the need to touch him, to do any number of things that I was quite sure would raise his eyebrows—among other things—again and again.

"That's enough," Raphael ordered, holding up his hand to cut off the flow of Tanya's poison. "You are beginning to attract attention, and I doubt if it's the kind Dominic would be pleased to see you soliciting. Why aren't you at your booth?"

"She ran out of bats' testicles and hares' anuses," I piped up. A corner of his mouth twitched and my knees melted in response. I was just about to damn restraint and fling myself upon him when it suddenly occurred to me that he was cheating. He was pulling mind tricks on me, getting me all hot and bothered via long distance, seducing me with his vampire ability to merge his mind with mine, and dammit, I wasn't going to stand for that! I might have accepted the fact that the only guy who suited me was a soulless undead who lived in darkness and indulged in unorthodox beverage choices, but I'd be damned if I'd just let him waltz into my mind and make it look like I was the one with hot pants! No sir! If he wanted to seduce me, he'd have to do it the old fashioned way.

"Is it anuses or ani?" Roxy asked in an aside, looking perplexed. "You say octopi, don't you? Shouldn't more than one hare's anus be ani?"

"I ran out of nothing!" Tanya was saying. "I thought to check on Arielle, and found this evil one with her, puffing herself up like a stoat over the runes."

"That's a very good question," I answered Roxy, greatly enjoying the furious looks Tanya blasted at both of us. I turned to Christian. "Which do you favor, anuses or ani?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but Tanya cut him off with a shriek that could have curdled milk. "You mock me! You see how she mocks me? This I will not stand for! I insist that you remove her from the grounds immediately!"

"No," Raphael said, his eyes narrowed as he pinned her back with a hard, uncompromising look. "I suggest you return to your booth, and make an effort not to speak to her again." I shot Tanya a smug look until he turned the same look on me. "And you could help matters if you were to stay away from those members of the fair who seem to have a grudge against you."

"Perhaps it would be wise if we were to move on to the next attraction," Christian suggested, but before we could move, we were stopped by a polished voice.

"A grudge? Someone has a grudge against mon ange? This I cannot believe. Who could wish ill for Joy who has captured my heart?"

I rolled my eyes as Dominic oozed his way between Christian and Roxy, pausing to give the latter a quick fangy grin. A smaller dark-haired man with the flattest, most expressionless gray eyes I'd ever seen followed him. I gave him the once-over, wondering who he was until he turned those creepy serial-killer eyes on me.

"Dominic!" Tanya grabbed Dominic's arm and stared at him with eyes so bleak with pain, I wanted to flinch. "How can you abuse me so? How can you say such things in front of that vache?"

"You know," I said to no one in particular, "I'm really getting tired of being called a cow."

Raphael raised both eyebrows, giving me a look that could steam the wrinkles out of a prune. I contemplated ripping off all his clothes and molesting him on the spot before I remembered that such an act was sure to be an idea he planted in my head, not one of my own. I glared at him instead.

"You are angry with me," Tanya continued as if I hadn't spoken. "You cannot mean what you say. I will forgive you this once, but you must not allow yourself to be influenced by her attempts to arouse your interest."

Arouse—oh yes, what a very nice word that was. I looked at Raphael. He looked back at me. Several parts of me that weren't on public display brought out their pompoms and began cheering.