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“I can’t be the leader! This is Diego we’re talking about! And he’s stealing my woman! Again!”

“Well,I can’t be the leader. I have Swiss cheese for a brain!”

“I was just joshing you! Your brain is fine!”

“See?” asked Dooley. “Brains aren’t muscles. They’re… something else.”

A feeling of resolve stole over me as I regarded Diego, who’d casually draped a paw across Harriet’s shoulder and was looking more smug than ever. Then I said, “Winter is coming, fellas.”

“What does that even mean?!” Brutus cried, desperately shaking his paws.

I shrugged.“No idea. But it’s got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

Just then, Diego blew us a kiss, his face splitting into a particularly cheeky grin.

Brutus, Dooley and I watched him stoically. This meant war.

6. PURRFECT RIVALRY

Chapter 1

I woke up from a sudden chill and discovered I’d fallen asleep on the kitchen floor again. In spite of my protective layer of belly muscle insulating me against the cold, I was freezing. The first thing that occurred to me was the startling observation that the reason for my vigil—the protection of my bowl of food—had been for naught: the bowl was empty!

I quickly trotted over and gasped. To my horror, all three of my bowls had been emptied overnight: the one containing my extra-crunchy vitamin-enhanced prime-brand kibble, the one with my extra-yummy Cat Snax, and even the one with my purified fresh water, which Odelia makes sure is filled to the brim every evening before she retires to bed.

I groaned in dismay. I knew whodunit, of course. It was the whole reason I’d started my nocturnal kitchen vigil. To protect my food supply. And now my stash had been raided. Just like it had been raided the night before, and the night before and the night before that!

Gah. This was getting ridiculous.

Chilled to the bone—a condition exacerbated by the kitchen door being ajar, another irksome habit of the food thief—I decided to warm myself in Odelia’s bed. I padded out of the kitchen into the living room and then up the stairs. The sun was already making a valiant attempt to hoist itself over the horizon andwould soon be casting the world in its golden hue. Time for Odelia to wake up, and for me to enjoy the best part of the day: my daily snuggle with my human, my nose pressed into her armpit while I purred up a storm and she cuddled me and made me happy to be alive.

This morning, as Odelia gently returned to the land of wakefulness, I made up my mind to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about the state of affairs at the house, and tell her straight out about my long list of grievances. She needed to get rid of the vile serpent she’d nursed at her unsuspecting bosom for far too long.

Odelia is a sweetheart. Too sweet for her own good. It was time to point a damning finger at the horrible pest who’d invaded our lives and allow things to go back to normal.

I trudged up the stairs and with some effort arrived at the top. Crossing the landing, I set paw for her room, then glanced up at the bed. Odelia sleeps in one of those boxspring contraptions, and navigating the jump onto the bed has lately proven something of a challenge. Since Odelia put me on a diet things have improved, and I now made the jump without a hitch, and more or less gracefully landed on all fours on the foot of the bed.

My human was still sleeping peacefully, her even breathing indicating she didn’t have a care in the world. My heart warmed and a smile slid up my furry face. Odelia might be misguided, she’s the kindest and most decent human I know, and I actually looked forward to pressing my wet and cold nose to her side and basking in the warmth of her embrace.

And I was just about to join her when I discovered to my extreme horror and dismay that a smallish orange cat had beaten me to the punch and had wriggled himself into Odelia’s arms, enjoying an embrace that was rightfully mine! Diego! He’d taken my spot!

Even as I was gawking at the spectacle, my mouth opening and closing a few times in helpless fury, the foul usurper opened his eyes and gave me an insolent stare with those slate gray eyes of his, as if to say: whatcha gonna do about it, buddy?

And then he produced the most triumphant grin any cat has ever produced since cats have found it in their generous hearts to give humans the benefit of their company.

“Hey, doofus. Finally decided to wake up, huh? I thought for sure you passed out.”

“I wasn’t passed out. I was sleeping,” I indignantly told the orange menace.

“Sure, sure. Whatever you say, bud,” Diego said, and then closed his eyes again, nestling deeper into Odelia’s embrace.

Her long blond tresses were spread out across the pillow, and Diego, without a doubt the foulest cat who’s ever lived, eagerly dug his face into her hair, just the way I like to do, and breathed in her delicious human scent, a wicked smile spreading across his features.

“Hey,” I hissed, reluctant to wake Odelia up. “That’s my spot! You stole my spot!”

Diego smirked.“And now it’s mine. Got a problem with that, fatso?”