45ebf3c490593574dd454e5dfd5a5758

“It’s wrong when the people who own the house have clearly told you that they don’t want these extra floors.”

“Oh, don’t you worry about them. They’ll come around when they realize what a perfect business opportunity I got for them.”

“Oh, Ma,” said Alec, shaking his head. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Help me to convince that stubborn girlfriend of yours to take my money!”

“And what’s this I hear about you crashing Marge’s car last night?”

“That was nothing,” said Vesta, suddenly remarkably subdued.

“Is it true that you purposelessly ran your car into Wilbur Vickery’s car?”

“I thought he was a Hampton Heister.”

“You thought what?”

“He was acting suspicious, all right!”

“Oh, Ma.”

“Wilbur and Francis think they can start a neighborhood watch—just like that!”

Alec stared at his mother.“Wilbur and Francis Reilly are starting a neighborhood watch?”

“Yes!”

“Oh, dear Lord. Just what I need. Another couple of loonies running amok in my town.”

“This isn’t just your town, Alec,” his mother reminded him. “This is my town, too, and I have every right to run amok if I want to. I mean… Well, I don’t know what I mean, but the point I’m trying to make is that if you don’t tell Wilbur and Francis that this town isn’t big enoughfor the both of us, then I won’t be responsible for the consequences.”

“What consequences?”

“You’ll see.”

“Ma!”

“Alec!”

They both sat there staring each other down for a few moments, then Vesta softened and touched her son’s cheek. “Look, it’s a good thing that you’re dating Charlene. In fact it’s probably the best decision you ever made. I have no idea what she sees in you…”

“Ma…”

“But the least she can do for her boyfriend’s mother is to give her this permit. Is that so much to ask?”

Alec uttered a strangled sound, then abruptly got up and said,“You better get out of here…”

“And about time, too. I’ve got better things to do than to sit here talking to you.”

“… before I strangle you with my bare hands. Now go and if I hear one more word about this permit business—”

“But, Alec!”

“One more word! I swear to God, Ma!”

“What good is it to have a son who’s chief of police and a daughter-in-law who’s the mayor, if they won’t do an old woman a teensy weensy little favor!”

“Out of my sight! Now!”

And thus ended the strange incident of the attempted bribe. Charlene decided not to pursue the matter, and neither did Alec. Frankly it wouldn’t have looked good for either of them to put the Chief’s mother and the Mayor’s future mother-in-law in jail… again!

21

We decided to pay a visit to Kingman, hoping he could shed some light on some of the recent happenings in town. The voluminous cat was lounging on the doorstep of his owner’s General Store, busily chatting up a couple of feline females and being his usual garrulous and avuncular self. By the time we joined him, the two females had left, and Kingman had a hard time focusing on us and not on their retreating rear ends as they sashayed down the street.

“So Kingman,” I said. “We need to talk.”

“Mh?” he said.

“Kingman!” I said, and the big cat practically jumped to attention, insofar as a cat as large as Kingman can actually jump.

“Oh, hey, Max—Dooley. How’s things in dog world?” He grinned at his own little joke, which I didn’t think was even remotely funny, to be honest.

“Things in dog world are fine, as far as I know. But since I’m not a dog, I really have no idea,” I said curtly. “So what was the big idea expelling Harriet and Brutus last night?”

“Yes, that wasn’t a nice thing to do, Kingman,” said Dooley.

“Look, it wasn’t my decision, okay? It was Shanille’s. I just backed her up.”

“But why? Harriet has been an indispensable member of cat choir since its inception, and Brutus has been one of our most valued members. And now all of a sudden they’re not welcome anymore? What’s up with that?”

“It’s out of my paws, Max,” he said with a shrug. “They did this to themselves when they decided to run with the dogs. It’s still cat choir, not dog choir. Dogs aren’t welcome.”

“Brutus is not a dog,” I said, “and as far as I’m concerned he’ll never be a dog, whatever he says. He’s moderately confused right now, but I can assure you that this is a phase. A phase that will pass.”

“I’m not so sure about that. He’s pretty determined about turning himself into a dog.”

“Listen to yourself, Kingman! How can a cat possibly turn himself into a dog? It can’t be done!”

“Well, he’s doing it, and as far as I’m concerned he’s out, and so is Harriet if she insists on standing by her dog.”

“Brutus does seem pretty serious about wanting to become a dog, Max,” said Dooley. “Just this morning I saw him play fetch again with Ted, and he’s getting better at catching that ball. And now they’ve even graduated to playing fetch with a stick. And even though he can’t jump as high as Rufus, he can still jump pretty high.”

I closed my eyes. This was a nightmare. My entire life was going to the dogs!

“Is it true that your human was arrested this morning?” asked Kingman with a frown.