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We’d arrived at the General Store, where Kingman, one of our best friends, likes to sit on top of the counter and help his human by keeping a close eye on the CCTV screens that cover the entire store. Whenever he sees something untoward happening, he loudly meows, and Wilbur has managed to catch a lot of would-be shoplifters in the act that way. Today, though, the sun was shining, and Kingman was sunning on the pavement.

“Oh, hey, you guys,” he said the moment we hove into view. “So bad business about that uncle of Odelia’s, huh? A serial rapist? Who would have thought?”

“Uncle Alec is not a rapist,” I said. “Serial or otherwise. He merely tried to help a woman who claimed she saw a zombie and then town gossip did the rest.”

“And I heard she was walking her dog and minding her own business when Chief Alec dragged her into some bushes, ripped off her clothes and forced himself upon her.”

“None of that is true,” I said, even though of course I hadn’t actually been there.

Kingman gave me a hard look.“Well, I heard a cry last night,” he said. “When we were at cat choir? That must have been Pamela, being dragged into the bushes by your Alec.”

“It didn’t happen, Kingman,” I insisted.

“No, Uncle Alec says it didn’t happen, so it didn’t happen,” Dooley confirmed.

“I don’t know, you guys,” said Kingman, holding up his paws. “But if I were you, I’d be careful around the dude. Obviously he’s some kind of sick pervert.”

“What’s a pervert, Max?” asked Dooley.

“Um…”

“Your uncle Alec is a pervert,” said Kingman. “And if he’s capable of ambushing innocent widows, who knows what he’ll do next.”

“Look, Pamela Witherspoon saw a zombie, okay? And Alec merely tried to help her.”

“A zombie!” said Kingman with a laugh. “A likely story!”

“No, but it’s true. He was a man who looked like a zombie, and she was scared, so she turned to Uncle Alec, who just happened to—”

“—be lurking in the bushes with his pants around his ankles. Yeah, I know the drill. I’ve seenCriminal Minds. He’s a pervert who deserves to rot in jail. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.” And with these words, he turned indoors and left us staring after him.

“Is it just my impression, Max, or was Kingman less than nice to us just now?”

“It’s not just your impression, Dooley. I have a feeling cats are going to start taking sides, and if we stick with Uncle Alec we might just find ourselves left out in the cold.”

“I’m not cold,” said Dooley. “I’m nice and warm, in fact.”

“Yeah, well. If this keeps up,” I said, as I watched a cat I knew very well suddenly cross the street as we approached, “we might be moving to Alaska pretty soon…”

Chapter 6

Vesta Muffin had finally arrived at the office, but instead of greeting Tex’s patients and telling them to be patient while they waited for their turn, she waltzed straight through the outer office, her domain, and into the inner office, the doctor’s realm.

“Tex!” she demanded heatedly the moment she’d slammed the door behind her. “Is it true that Scarlett Canyon is still on the pill?”

On her son-in-law’s examination table, Franklin Beaver was lying, while Tex was closely studying something on his hairy buttocks with a loupe.

“Vesta!” said the doctor. “You can’t just come barging in here!”

“Hi, Vesta,” said Franklin with a little wave. He ran the hardware store, and even in this awkward position still managed to retain a customer-friendly attitude.

“Franklin,” she acknowledged. “So what’s the problem this time?”

“Pain in my left buttock,” said Franklin.

“You probably shouldn’t have sat on that thumbtack yesterday then.”

“Thumbtack?” asked Tex, dumbfounded.

“I didn’t sit on no thumbtack,” said Franklin, equally stunned.

“We all know you were drunk as a skunk last night and your so-called friends put a thumbtack on your chair at the Rusty Beaver as a wager to see if you would feel the sting. Clearly someone won that wager, as you didn’t feel a thing, until this morning when you woke up with a distinct but sharppain in your left cheek.”

Tex, frowning, directed a closer look at the cheek indicated and then cried,“She’s right! There’s tiny puncture mark consistent with a well-placed thumbtack here!”

“The cheeky bastards,” said Franklin good-naturedly. “I’ll get them for this.”

This mystery solved, Vesta returned to her point of contention.“Did you or didn’t you prescribe Scarlett Canyon the birth control pill, Tex?”

“You know I can’t divulge that kind of information, Vesta. Scarlett is a patient.”

“Fine. I’ll look it up myself then,” she said, and stalked out again.

“Vesta!” Tex cried.

But she was already behind her computer, calling up the program that handled the medical files of their patients. She was momentarily stumped when a prompt popped up inviting her to introduce a password. So she typed‘MARGE’ and the popup went away.

Tex, who’d appeared in the door, walked over. As he looked over her shoulder, he asked, “How did you get past my password?”